(main text from the piece, perf. in Thessaloniki, 16/10/2023)
It
is the possibility of expression that disappears the moment you need it most
and suddenly you realize the lack of phrases, words, notes, harmonies, values
(moral or musical) and intensities and you can't describe what you feel, you
can't get the feeling that overwhelms you and you are forced to feel, just like
that, simply, without any extenuating circumstances, without any sympathy and
without any help or helper, known or unknown, faceless, anonymous, named or
familiar ground to stand on, height to hang from, and arms to fall in and when
that happens you don't know what to do, for a long time it was easy not to
think and not to feel for nothing was as confusing as what you are now forced
to feel and unable to articulate, you're trapped inside your own head with a
hissing voice tormenting you, bringing to the forefront of your consciousness
everything you've been ignoring, who you are, what you're doing, where you're
going, and now what? And now what? And now what? That's basically what you want
to know, and now what? But no one answers you, no one tells you, and suddenly
that voice of the demon is silent because the pain is in the absence of
answers, not in the reception of disappointing, unexpected or dishonest ones,
because then you're in the air, you're in the air, because then you don't know
what's going on, because you don't know what to do and you just want to run up
and smash your fucking head against the wall and then sit there, bleeding,
without screaming for help, letting yourself feel the pain as much as possible
because he deserves it, he deserves it, and when they find you, at least you'll
have learned, you'll have learned your lesson next time and hopefully you won't
have to break your head to remember it.